“In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”
It certainly is a lot more child appropriate than the alternative:
“In 1492, it’s never said, Columbus bathed in blood so red.”
In his later years, Columbus became increasingly violent to the point of slaughtering entire indigenous tribes. He had a man’s nose and ears cut off for stealing an ear of corn, cut out a woman’s tongue for suggesting he was of “lowly birth”, and murdered many others, often parading their dismembered bodies through the streets. And the guy still has a holiday!
Don’t let it be said he didn't ever get punished for his crimes. In his later life, he suffered from a terminal form of arthritis that left him crippled, with a high fever, and bleeding from the eyes. I’m no doctor, but this sounds like the virus that hit the prison in season 4 of The Walking Dead.The guy was seriously messed up.
I can’t discount the good Christopher Columbus did accomplish, but I have a hard time believing he deserves his own holiday. So instead of celebrating the murdering psycho Christopher Columbus this October 13th, why not celebrate a different Chris Columbus? That’s right there’s more than one famous Christopher Columbus, and while the first brought us to the new world, the latter brought us Home Alone 1 & 2 (the only good ones), Mrs. Doubtfire, the first three Harry Potter films, Gremlins, and many other timeless cinematic classics.
So this Columbus day, curl up in a blanket with a mega sized artery-clogging buttered popcorn and your small diet coke and watch your favorite Chris Columbus movie. As for me and my house, we’ll be watching Harry Potter.