All through school we learned about how great Christopher Columbus was. We learn about the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria, but like with any subject, certain things are left out that our adolescent minds are not prepared to receive. Because how do you tell a group of 8-year-olds that the man who effectively discovered a continent by accident was a mass murdering psychopath? We don’t. We lie, cover up, and talk about anything except for this one brutal fact. We help our children remember how great Columbus was with a rhyme:
“In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.”
It certainly is a lot more child appropriate than the alternative:
“In 1492, it’s never said, Columbus bathed in blood so red.”
In his later years, Columbus became increasingly violent to the point of slaughtering entire indigenous tribes. He had a man’s nose and ears cut off for stealing an ear of corn, cut out a woman’s tongue for suggesting he was of “lowly birth”, and murdered many others, often parading their dismembered bodies through the streets. And the guy still has a holiday!
Don’t let it be said he didn't ever get punished for his crimes. In his later life, he suffered from a terminal form of arthritis that left him crippled, with a high fever, and bleeding from the eyes. I’m no doctor, but this sounds like the virus that hit the prison in season 4 of The Walking Dead.The guy was seriously messed up.
I can’t discount the good Christopher Columbus did accomplish, but I have a hard time believing he deserves his own holiday. So instead of celebrating the murdering psycho Christopher Columbus this October 13th, why not celebrate a different Chris Columbus? That’s right there’s more than one famous Christopher Columbus, and while the first brought us to the new world, the latter brought us Home Alone 1 & 2 (the only good ones), Mrs. Doubtfire, the first three Harry Potter films, Gremlins, and many other timeless cinematic classics.
So this Columbus day, curl up in a blanket with a mega sized artery-clogging buttered popcorn and your small diet coke and watch your favorite Chris Columbus movie. As for me and my house, we’ll be watching Harry Potter.